Imitating Katherine Walker

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Rory knew what Jenny would say before he even asked if Byron could move in. Her answer would be ‘no’. But he was wrong. It wasn’t just ‘no’, it was ‘If I ever see that filthy layabout again, it’ll be the last time I see you. He’s got the morals of a gutter rat, doesn’t wash, lives in a complete tip, stinks the place out with his fags, steals from the fridge. He’s got no job. He doesn’t even flush the loo.’

 

Rory tried to work out a defence. ‘Nobody’s perfect.’

Jenny gave him a look which suggested that was not a great response.

‘He’s my best friend, Jen. I can’t just discard him.’

‘What happened to the place he was staying at.’

‘He got chucked out. You don’t want to know the reasons.’

‘I rest my case. Has he still got that Russian woman hanging around? What’s her name?

‘Danuta. She’s Polish.’

‘Can’t she look after him?’

‘No. I think she wants to stay as well.’

‘Oh, you weren’t going to mention that then?’

‘I would have got round to it.’

‘It’s no, Rory. They are not staying here.’

‘He knows we’ve got a spare room. What shall I say?’

‘That’s another thing. He can’t even suss out that couples want their own space, that he might actually be an intrusion. He thinks the world owes him and that includes his mates.’

 

Before Rory could invent another ineffective defence, Jenny said, ‘Tell him we’ve let the room. To a friend of mine. She’s broken up with her boyfriend. Got nowhere to stay for the moment. There you are, got you off the hook.’

 

 

Byron came round for some beers only when Jenny was out. Rory had prepared the room on her advice so there were lots of girly things around if Byron had wanted to check it out. He left the door open and as a final flourish got a pair of Jenny’s red silk knickers and left them casually on a chair. Byron would have seen them as he passed by the door to get to the loo.

 

‘What’s she like. This friend of Jenny’s,’ asked Byron.

‘A stunner, mate. She’s lithe, intelligent and sexy.’

‘She got a name?’

 

 

Rory stopped for a few seconds. In all their creativity, he and Jenny had forgotten to give the woman a name. He thought back to the time when he was seeing someone who could make his heart leap and his toes curl by the mere mention of her.

 

‘Yeah, it’s Katherine Walker.’

‘Love to meet her. Any chance?’

‘What about Danuta?’

‘No I don’t think she’d want to…Oh, I see. Well, all’s fair in love and all that. Bit of variety makes life interesting.

‘It’d be difficult. She’s hardly ever in. I’ll see what I can do.’

 

By the time of Byron’s third visit, Rory’s holding tactics and his embellishments of Katherine Walker had left him with little choice.

 

Jenny was none too pleased when she found Rory phoning an escort agency.

 

‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ she yelled

‘It’s all right Jen. It’s not what you think.’

‘Yes it is. You’ve ringed that section in the Yellow Pages.’

‘Byron wants to meet Katherine. I’ve got to find someone to act up.’

‘We’re not paying for an escort. Why not ask Chrissie to do the job?’

‘Chrissie is nothing like Katherine.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

 

Katherine suddenly popped into Rory’s head. She looked as though she was wearing those red silk knickers under her dress. He sighed and forced her away. ‘He wants to talk to her about what it’s like to be with women.’

 

‘Shit,’ exclaimed Jenny. ‘What have you been telling him?’

‘I had to embroider it didn’t I? She had to be a real person. I got a bit carried away.’

‘So you made her into a lesbian? Great. She’s just split with her boyfriend, remember?’

‘She’s not a lesbian. Just bisexual. When the mood takes her.’

 

Rory started to dream again.

 

‘I’m not having an escort knocking at my door,’ said Jenny. ‘Neighbours will think we’ve arranged a threesome or something.’

 

It was getting difficult to concentrate.

 

‘And take that look off your face.’

‘Escorts don’t have uniforms,’ said Rory, ‘or “Escort” printed across their backside. They’re just normal people.’

‘No they’re not. They’re prostitutes. And they’re not coming here.’

 

Byron’s sixth visit was in a pub and he was now sitting next to the delectable Katherine Walker who knew what it was to be with women. Byron’s eyes were on sticks. Katherine had got a mop of auburn hair in that mad style that looked like she slept in it. She wore red lipstick that shone through the haze he’d begun to create with his Monkey Priest fags. And her top was a flimsy yellow that stretched over her breasts like ice cream bombs in cellophane.

 

Rory was by her side, protecting his investment. He’d already had an hour with her, teaching her about her bedroom, her judo, Lenny Kravitz, Tolstoy and what she liked about women. She’d charged him extra because Tolstoy was a hell of a lot more difficult than sex.

 

‘So, Katherine,’ said Byron. ‘You like Russian literature.’

 

Katherine turned to Rory and looked puzzled.

 

‘Particularly Tolstoy,’ said Rory.

‘Oh yeah, he’s great. And that Annie. What a silly cow.’

‘Who?’

‘Anna Karenina,’ said Rory quickly.

 

Byron looked at Rory. Rory shrugged and took a swig of beer.

 

‘Rory tells me you swing both ways,’ said Byron.

‘Only when I do judo topless.’

 

Rory and Byron went quiet for a few moments.

 

‘That was a joke,’ said Katherine but she’d now found her stride. She began to explain in prurient detail all the things she’d done with women. Rory guessed it wasn’t even made up. She’d already told him she charged double for a bloke to watch her with another woman. But she was overdoing it.

‘It’s only been a couple of women, hasn’t it,’ said Rory looking at Katherine intently.

‘Oh, yeah. Only a couple. I just did it lots of times with them.’

 

But Rory could see Byron didn’t care how many it was. He was lost in dreams, staring at her, and hadn’t shifted off his seat for nearly an hour. His first beer still sat there, half drunk.

 

Rory looked at his watch and gave Katherine a nudge.

 

‘I’ve got to be off soon,’ she said.

‘Don’t go,’ said Byron. ‘You’ve only just got here.’

‘Well, I could stay….’

‘No you can’t,’ interrupted Rory. ‘You’ve got that friend to meet. Can’t leave her waiting.’

‘Hey, mate,’ said Byron. ‘She can do what she bloody likes.’

 

Katherine looked at Rory who shook his head. ‘No, I’ve got to go,’ she said. ‘Maybe some other time.’ She gave him her mobile number.

 

When she’d gone Byron said, ‘Fantastic. I think I’m in love.’

‘Danuta won’t be too pleased.’

‘I’m getting a bit pissed off with Danuta. She wants to go and live in the country and buy a pile of sheep.’

‘You don’t get sheep in piles. They come in flocks.’

‘I don’t care what they do. She’s just breaking my head.’

 

Rory was now approaching bankruptcy again. He started driving taxis but he wasn’t making enough to pay an escort for three hours a week. Specially as he wasn’t even feeling the benefit, so to speak. He started doing extra shifts, working most nights.

 

How long do you think you can keep this up,’ asked Jenny, ‘pimping for Byron.’

‘I’m not pimping for Byron. Pimps make money. I’m just paying it out.’

‘So that’s all right is it? Why not admit you’ve made a mistake for once. You were the same with that damn web site. For Christ’s sake tell him the truth.’ 

‘You want them back here do you?’

‘What’s that guy got on you? Can’t you just say “no” for once?’

On his next visit Byron said, ‘Listen, mate, got a surprise. I’ve been seeing Katherine recently.’

‘Really?’ said Rory looking as wide eyed as he thought appropriate.

‘But she always insists on seeing me in a pub. She feels shy. If we came round here how about you letting us in, then disappearing for an hour. I’d appreciate it mate.’

‘I dunno. If Jenny hears about it, I’m dead meat.’

‘Come on. You can do this for your best friend.’

Katherine phoned Rory a bit later. ‘Byron wants to meet in my bedroom.’

‘Yeah, I know. But if my girlfriend finds out she’ll go ape.’

‘Look, I’m running out of excuses. I’ve done my apprenticeship in the backs of cars. I need a decent bed. Fix it or the deal’s off.’

 

Rory booked Katherine for a couple of hours the next time Jenny was due out with friends. It had taken him most of one day to make the money an escort demanded and he began to wonder whether a similar position for himself might be a good idea. He imagined the implications and immediately the idea melted away. He sank into the sofa. The more he couldn’t see a way out, the more depressed he felt. But things were about to get a whole lot worse. Jenny came back early before Rory had got himself together and discretely disappeared.

 

‘I’m not feeling so good,’ she said. ‘I’m going to bed.’

 

Then her head turned towards Katherine’s room.

 

‘What’s that noise?’

 

She opened the door. Rory could see Byron’s arse staring at them and a thigh either side of his head. He could guess Jenny’s reaction. First she’d assume they were back. Then she’d see the face of someone who was not Danuta. Then she would go ape.

 

She didn’t cry. She just went deathly white and deadly serious. That was bad news. ‘So now we’re running a brothel,’ she said to Rory. ‘I’ve had enough.’

 

She got a suitcase and started to pack it.

 

Byron got off the bed and walked towards the door. Rory tried not to look. He hadn’t seen a tumescent man before and he hoped never again. Not a pretty sight.

 

 

‘Bit much calling it a brothel,’ Byron said. ‘You should have told her we’d be here this evening, mate.’ Then he closed the door.

 

When Jenny had disappeared down the stairs, Rory sat and contemplated his future. But he couldn’t see one. He gave a mental shrug of his shoulders, knocked on Katherine’s bedroom door and opened it.

 

‘Sorry to interrupt again, mate, but is there any chance of a threesome?’